(Or teaching your children their belongings don’t actually belong to them)
I saw a random post in an email update from a blog I follow… a blog that’s supposed to be about house cleaning and management or stain removal or something… and it really caught my eye. It was on motivating your children to clean up after themselves by putting any toys they’ve left out in a box or bin and not giving them back until they’ve completed a chore.
Getting your kids to clean up after themselves is tough. I get it. The struggle is REAL. But how would you feel if someone picked up your phone that you left on the table, or picked up your shoes that you left in the middle of the walkway, and put them in a box with a cutesy poem instructing you to go clean or do something in order to get your possessions returned to you? That sounds pretty ridiculous, right? And if it feels like it would be disrespectful to you, you’re totally right.
Kids have such little control over their everyday lives (hello frequent power struggles), and they rely completely on you to not only have their needs met, but to acquire any possessions they might have. Their clothes, their toys, their toothbrush… they cannot go out and purchase these things on their own. They need you to get them. That fact, in itself, means you have so much control over what they own and their choices of what they wear, and use, and play with.
But just because you purchase these items for them does not mean they are ultimately yours. No, they are still your child’s belongings.
Holding them ransom in exchange for completing a chore sends one message:
That their belongings do not actually belong to them.
Imagine how powerless that would make you feel, if your belongings did not actually belong to you and at any minor transgression (like leaving your keys on the counter instead of hanging them on the hook) meant that you could not access your items until you “earned” them back.
This is how it feels for children, when their belongings are held for ransom.
Now, don’t get me wrong… there are situations in which we have to step in to help our children use an item appropriately, and that might look like removing it from their possession – like if they are at risk of hurting themselves or someone else with it. But this only tells us that they are not ready to have that item and need some guidance and/or supervision before and while using it. This isn’t an underhanded way of coercing them to clean up after themselves (which truly should not be expected of young kids to consistently do).
If you are looking for ways to help your kids clean up after themselves, here’s a few methods you can try:
- Rotate toys so there aren’t so many out and available all at once. This can be overwhelming and can make it extremely difficult to keep up with any kind of organization. (This is not removing toys from them, and of course if they’re looking for something you can always help them retrieve it. Your kids can also be included in the toy rotation system.)
- Encourage them to put things away after using by noticing when they actually do it (no matter what it is or how well it’s done)… be positive and thankful: “Thanks for putting the lids back on the paint so they don’t dry out!”
- Model cleaning up by helping them whenever possible. And offer to help! Hearing you offer and seeing you do it reinforces their knowledge of how the items should be put away and they’re more likely to start offering to help you with things! Don’t worry if they don’t want to join you in cleaning up all the time… no one truly likes it, right? But watching you do it makes it more likely that they will over time.
- Establish some simple “house rules” that everyone follows, such as putting a game or toy away before pulling out another… and help them be successful at abiding by it by modeling and offering help, and trying to remember to put your own projects away before starting another.
It is possible to encourage your children to tidy up after themselves in respectful ways! Bottom line, you don’t have to set the stage for more power struggles by making your children feel even less in control… their belongings belong to them, no matter who purchased them.
