(Excerpt from the upcoming mini book by The Gentle Parenting Institute)
One of the hardest moments in parenting is when your child hits. Whether it’s you, a sibling, or another child, the instinct to react quickly—and often emotionally—is strong. The toughest part is remembering not to take it personally.
Behavior is communication. When we take it personally, our minds become clouded, and it’s harder to reframe, connect, breathe, and stay in control of our own behavior.
First, remember: Hitting is normal
It takes time for young children to learn and use other ways of expressing excitement, frustration, and big emotions. Think about how it feels when you’re completely overwhelmed or angry—you might want to lash out too! The difference is that you’ve developed skills and self-control over time. Your child hasn’t yet.
Hitting, while uncomfortable to witness or experience, is a normal part of development. The part of the brain responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation is still under construction in young children.
When your child hits, here’s what might be going on
- They’re exploring their body and discovering what it can do.
- They’re excited or overstimulated and can’t yet contain that energy.
- They’re frustrated or angry and lack the tools to express it differently.
- They’re experimenting with cause and effect—hitting produces a fascinating noise or reaction.
When hitting happens frequently, it helps to look for the function of the behavior (finding the function). Understanding that function can guide your response and help you stay grounded.
What to do when your child hits
- Remove any reinforcement
Your reaction—tone of voice, facial expression, or even too many words—can unintentionally make hitting exciting or rewarding. Try to stay calm and neutral. - Set a clear boundary
Use minimal words and a steady tone: “I will not let you hit me.”
Then, move away if needed. Boundaries keep both you and your child safe. - Don’t ignore your child—just the hitting
The moment your child uses any other way to seek connection—through words, gestures, or play—respond warmly. This shows that connection is always available, but aggression isn’t the way to get it. - If your child hits another child, focus on the child who was hurt “Oh no! You were hit. Are you okay?”
Offer your child a chance to check in with the other child, but avoid forcing an apology (not forcing apologies). Genuine empathy develops through modeling, not pressure.
Why punishment doesn’t help
Punishment or imposed consequences won’t teach emotional regulation. Removing attention from the hitting is a natural consequence—it sends the message that hitting disconnects, not connects.
If the behavior briefly worsens, that’s normal. It’s called an extinction burst—a child trying harder to get the old reaction. Stay consistent, and the behavior will fade as new skills take root.
Proactive strategies
Try to notice what tends to trigger the hitting. Can you reduce frustration, transitions, or overstimulation? When things are calm, teach new ways to express anger, excitement, or frustration through words, art, movement, or asking for help.
Remember: hitting is normal, but it’s also an opportunity. Each moment is a chance to model calm, connection, and empathy. Over time, your child will learn that their hands can be used for helping, not hurting—and that’s because of the way you responded when it was hardest.
Recommended Books and Resources
💡 For Parents
- The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
- No-Drama Discipline by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
- Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham
- The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene
- GoZen! Anger Transformation Workshop (The Gentle Parenting Institute)
📚 For Children
- Hands Are Not for Hitting by Martine Agassi, Ph.D.
- When Sophie Gets Angry—Really, Really Angry… by Molly Bang
- The Color Monster: A Story About Emotions by Anna Llenas
- A Feel Better Book for Little Tempers by Holly Brochmann and Leah Bowen
💛 Helpful Resources
Some of the links above are affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you choose to purchase through them—at no extra cost to you. I only share books and resources I truly love and use myself, and any commissions help support the work we do at The Gentle Parenting Institute to bring families more evidence-based, heart-centered tools for connection.
