I think the toughest thing about a child hitting is trying to remember to not take the behavior of your child personally. Behavior is communication. When we take it personally, our mind gets clouded and we struggle to reframe, connect, breathe, and remain in control of our own behavior.
The first thing to remember when a small child hits: This is normal. It takes time to learn and use other ways of expressing excitement and frustration. Think about how you feel when you’re completely frustrated or angry. You might flip your lid and lose control. Sometimes you might want to lash out and hit something, too, right? Except you don’t. And that’s because you have learned other ways of expressing your big feelings, and have more control over your emotions and body. Your child still requires time to learn skills and develop the ability to remain in control of their body.
Getting hit by your child, or watching them hit another child, may not feel normal in the moment, and can actually be pretty jarring if it happens to hurt, or they are very angry (“what happened to my sweet baby?”). But when your child hits, know there are a few things that might be going on:
-they’re exploring their bodies and limbs and discovering how they can move and do things
-they’re excited and can’t contain themselves (because the part of the brain that controls impulses is still developing)
-they’re mad or frustrated and can’t contain themselves (because the part of the brain that controls impulses is still developing)
-they’re feeling content and can’t contain themselves (for the exact same reason as the previous two bullets)
-they’re experimenting with cause and effect and hitting you produces the neatest noise, facial expression, and reaction
If the hitting is happening frequently, and you’re struggling with how to help your child manage the behavior, it never hurts to take a look at what the function may be. Figuring out and hypothesizing the function can drive YOUR behavior, and help you know what to do.
When your child hits, there are a few things you can do to help:
- Remove any reinforcement that might be happening. Your attention to the hitting, or even just your reaction, facial expressions, or tone of voice could make the hitting very interesting or exciting. You may be using too many words or you’re trying to talk things through too soon.
- Set a boundary, and hold firm. Use minimal words and keep a neutral tone/facial expression: “I will not let you hit me.” Then move away.
- Don’t ignore your child, but don’t attend to the hitting. The moment your child engages in any other means of getting your attention, or being playful, or showing you what they need, respond to that! This will let them know that you are there and attentive, but that hitting does not result in the response they are looking for.
- If your child has hit another child, step in, and give your attention to the child who was hit. “Oh no! You were hit. Are you ok?” You can ask your child who did the hitting if they would like to see if the other child is ok but refrain from forcing an apology. Children do show remorse, but often in their own way. Forcing them to use the words “I’m sorry” right after something has happened does not encourage them to feel sorry, and could result in more resentment. Giving your attention to the child who was hit pulls the attention away from the hitting itself, and models empathy towards someone who has been hurt.
Punishing or implementing a consequence for hitting does not serve a purpose if you are engaging in the above. Removing your attention is a natural consequence and speaks volumes. The child learns that by hitting, a person will not want to remain near them.
**The hitting may get worse for a bit… this is called an extinction burst. It’s when the person engages in the behavior more often and more intensely because they are trying to get that response they had been getting previously. But if you give it, you’re only reinforcing the behavior again, and making it stronger.**
Think about what usually sets off the hitting, and if there are any proactive methods you can take, such as reducing the opportunities for them to become frustrated and hitting.
Hitting is definitely normal, and it’ll take some time for your child to learn and use other ways of expressing their frustration. Use lots of encouragement and reinforcement for appropriate ways of letting you know they’re feeling frustrated (which can be anything but physical aggression). When things are calm, teach them how they can express themself when feeling upset or stressed. Try not to teach or demand when they are in the midst of melting down, you’ll only escalate things.
