First… we were never a big “screen” family…. but we don’t shy away from screens, either. Our kids had Kindles but they were only brought out for long road or plane trips. They were occasionally allowed to play some games on our phones. And we love movies enough to watch one as a family before bed most nights. But this pandemic… this brought on new challenges. Many new challenges. My husband (a teacher) was now working from home. At first, I was still going into the office, which meant Dad was a full-time caretaker + homeschool teacher + teacher for a school district. Then I came home to work, only going into the office periodically, but I spend a lot of my time working in our home office (new home office, I might add, since it was just a spare storage room before the pandemic). We needed more breaks, more time for other tasks, and work responsibilities. And for our mental health. So… out came the Kindles. Out came an old iPhone reprogrammed for face-timing friends and family. Out came the old Wii I had in college (and because that didn’t work well, eventually, in came a PlayStation 4).
But now that there were all these exciting things in the house, the kids were waking up and immediately wanting to get on one or more of those devices. Some balance was needed.
For my family, we realized pretty quickly after being home for an extended period that there were a few things that needed to be addressed regarding our schedule.
In our video, I call it a “behavior chart” …and it kind of is, in the sense that it’s a chart meant for tracking the behaviors we agreed were important to complete. But it’s more of a visual cue. A reminder of tasks that need to be accomplished, with some reinforcing elements attached to help motivate.
If you’ve heard me speak, or follow one of our groups, or have read this post on behavior charts, you know I’m not exactly one for using them. Mostly because when people do not implement them the right way, they can be pretty degrading and stressful, and can lead to power struggles, feelings of helplessness, and more frustration.
Parents often say, “I tried a behavior chart. It didn’t work.”
It likely didn’t work because of one or more of the following reasons:
- the focus was on the wrong behavior
- the ‘reinforcing’ items were not reinforcing
- the schedule for earning the reinforcing thing was too spaced out and not quick enough
- necessary skills needed for success were not also taught
It’s no wonder parents tend to give up and not stick with or modify a plan.
Here are some tips for implementing a behavior chart, or even visual cues:
- Focus on the behavior you WANT to see, not on the behavior you don’t want to see. For example, I couldn’t just go around saying “Get off your kindle,” “Stop playing with the iPhone,” “Turn off the TV.” If I want to have a better chance at someone complying with what I’m saying, I need to be clear and direct and state what it is I want. (Not what I don’t want.)
- Come up with the chart/plan/schedule WITH your child. They should have a part in this. They’ll be more likely to take ownership of it if they do.
- Make sure the chosen reinforcement is ACTUALLY reinforcing. Are there opportunities for it to be earned right away? Don’t wait too long or your child will lose all motivation! You can tell something is reinforcing when occurrences of the wanted behavior are increasing. Include your child in the decision of what the reinforcer will be, too! For us, Clare wants time on her Kindle or the iPhone so she can play games or chat with her friends, cousins, and grandparents. So we decided she could earn that time. She’s also been very interested in money and coins recently, so she has an option when she’s completed her tasks: 15 minutes of screen time, or 15 cents. Her choice. She has opportunities to earn these multiple times a day.
- You should also be engaging in these behaviors! Modeling is the best teacher, and you should hold yourself to the same expectations you hold your child to (at minimum… really, we should be holding higher expectations of ourselves).
A few more things:
Everyone benefits from visual cues. Everyone. How many of us print/write out our to-do lists, our grocery lists, encouraging words, or respectful parenting phrases/reminders?
Rewards are not the same as reinforcement. It’s not healthy to just hand over ‘rewards’ for things done, especially for the relationship. Reinforcement doesn’t have to be prizes… it’s whatever is motivating for a person. You can learn more about reinforcement from these posts: Positive Reinforcement and Negative Reinforcement.
Model the behavior you want to see. You must engage in these behaviors, too! If your child is not seeing you doing the things you’re telling them to do, they lose meaning and value. Limit your own tech time, or if you can’t because of work, then be open with what you are doing and even involve them or talk to them about it: “I’m checking my email,” “I’m responding to a question my coworker asked, how does my response sound?” “I have to write up this report and I’m doing a bit of research on this topic…”
You can watch our video here, where we show you how we made it and how we use it (when I say “we,” I mean Clare and me! She was so excited to do this video with me!).
You can also download our picture cards to use for your family! Go here to get them (it prompts you enroll in the ‘lesson,’ but don’t worry, it’s free)!
